Our Tiny Valentine


 I took a pregnancy test when we woke up on Christmas morning.  Within seconds (not minutes like the test instructs) it told me what I already knew...I am pregnant for the 3rd time.   As of today I am almost 12 weeks along, and this little one is due to arrive around August 30, 2016.  I've been showing since about 7 weeks along...and I am so sick of trying to "hide" being pregnant.  The notion of a safe zone doesn't really mean anything to me anyways.


This was not a surprise.  After going through the ectopic I don't just get pregnant, so I require a little bit of help from my doctor.  This was, however, quite the journey that I am still on.  Right after Ellie died, I begged God to take my longing to have a child away.  The thought of getting pregnant again physically sickened me, and the thought of it happening again was extremely overwhelming.

That part...it's still overwhelming.  And scary.  Because the fact of the matter is that it is still possible.  I have no promise or guarantee that this pregnancy will end any differently.  Because they found nothing wrong with me that would have caused Ellie's issues, there are no precautions that can be taken to prevent them.  My doctor has decided to separate the fact that I went into pre-term labor from Ellie's diagnosis, so there will be some things that get done from 16-36 weeks to try & stop that possibility from happening.

I could choose to carry this baby with constant fear.  I could wait every single day for the other shoe to drop.  I believe with certainty that no one would blame me if I did.  But I just can't.  I am so sick of being scared.  So I'm choosing this instead:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." -Psalm 56:3

 Six months ago God didn't take my longing to start a family away from me.  Instead, I had to struggle and fight and pray and claw my way to where I am at today.  And that is a place where I can separate the death of Ellie from my view of pregnancy.  I still struggle with her death.  I wish it were different...but it's not.  It's never going to be.  But there are also realities that I've had to face about wanting to have a family that I can't wait on forever.

I am not ashamed of becoming pregnant.  I am excited and happy and thrilled...but I'm also apprehensive.  I'm not apprehensive to love...that is an inane part of me.  We saw this little one's heartbeat at our first ultrasound.  I was 5 weeks, 6 days along.  At a time when everything about pregnancy is still so uncertain & volatile...and we were able to see a heartbeat.  No matter what happens...I love this little baby.

I'm apprehensive of others.  Of telling people our news.  Not because I am ashamed or unhappy.  But because I feel the need to protect myself from people.  I feel the need to protect myself from unsolicited advice.  Because no matter how well meaning the advice giver is trying to be...all it makes me feel is that they think I could have done something differently in my pregnancy with Ellie.  That I somehow could have changed the outcome if I'd only done this or that. 

Let me state this right here & right now.
I could not have eaten better.
Or drank more water.
Or rested more.
Or prayed more.
Or asked for more medical opinions.

I did everything I could for Ellie.  It just wasn't enough to overcome her diagnosis.  For some reason that I will never know or understand....I wasn't allowed to keep her.  Her life was meant to be spent in Heaven.

So please, unless I ask for it, do not try to give me advice.  Please don't allude to this one "working out" or being the baby I was meant to have.  Because quite frankly, that insults the memory of my precious Arabella Grace.  I've had to realize that our family will never be complete this side of Heaven.  We could have a million biological, adopted or fostered children...but we will never be complete.  A very precious, wanted & longed for baby girl will always be missing, and I get to deal with that reality every single day for the rest of my life.

What can you do?  Be happy for me.  Pray for me.  Pray for my heart as I continue to grieve my Ellie at the same time I anticipate the possibility of a new life.  Pray for my well being & the baby's.  And just be there with me.  Notice that I said with, and not for.  For indicates action...and I don't really need anything done FOR me.  But you can be with me, side by side, as I encounter all the different thoughts, feelings & emotions that come along with being pregnant again after a very tragic loss.  I know that is an uncomfortable place to be, but it is truly the best thing you can do for those that are grieving.

I'll close this blog post with a little funny outtake from our photo shoot.  My husband thought we should take a photo making fun of all the props we used.  Well, technically...all the props I chose for us to use.  He just obliges me.  ;)
 

Until later,
~L.

Comments

  1. So very happy for you and your husband!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am following your blog for a long time. Most of the time I didn't know what to say. I cried when you lost Ellie knowing the pain of losing a precious baby. For now I will leave you a comment to let you know that I am so happy for you. I wish you so much joy with Ellie's little babybrother or sister. Hope that you will see a little glimp of Ellie everyday in her little brother or sister.

    I also want to thank you for sharing your story it is giving me hope!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful news!!! Congrats Lea and Josh!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a blessing! Praying for peace and that all goes well!

    ReplyDelete
  5. of course prayers are lifted Lea.
    CONGRATULATIONS!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cute pictures, and congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tears of JOY for you today! Praying.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lea, you have such a great way with words. Thank you for sharing with all of us your joy (and your sorrow). My prayers will be for you (and your hubby) along this journey.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so happy for you, Lea! I am sending love and prayers to your whole family. <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. Congratulations!! I am very happy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Everything you wrote is absolutely brilliant. You speak for so many, you may not even know it. God bless you and your lovely growing family...and congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lea, I'm so happy for you! I've been following your story of losing your daughter, and although I'm not sure if I commented, I shed tears for you. Blessings and prayers for you and your husband and this new, tiny, precious life inside of you! ❤️

    ReplyDelete
  13. Congratulations, love! Thrilled for you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Big big love and congratulations. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am so happy for you! Your baby will always know that he/she has a sibling in heaven cheering him/her on! Having someone to watch from both sides of the veil of heaven is a great blessing. I'm so happy for you my little fun-sized friend!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so happy for you! Your baby will always know that he/she has a sibling in heaven cheering him/her on! Having someone to watch from both sides of the veil of heaven is a great blessing. I'm so happy for you my little fun-sized friend!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. You and your hubby are so cute! Love the outtake! I will pray for you all! Congrats to you!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dear Lea, my prayers for you! You are so strong and brave. And positive.

    ReplyDelete
  19. congratulations, I am so happy for you and your husband

    ReplyDelete
  20. Lea, I am "expecting" my third grandson in June. It is my surviving twin son's child. Although I still think of his brother who was stillborn, and I still wonder what he would have been like, I have accepted God's will and I have accepted His strength to live on. I still miss what he would have been, but I have survived to be present for the living people in my life. Allow yourself to be totally happy, without guilt. You will use your experiences to comfort others, but in this case, guilt is a waste of energy. Get a baby monitor to allow yourselves some security, but be positive and happy and thankful. You have grieved for your little girl, allow yourself the pleasure of being happy, without the paradox of feeling guilty about not still grieving. She can find peace only when you let go. Love and Prayers! Be strong and elated!

    ReplyDelete
  21. So very happy for you guys!!!! You have all my prayers, thoughts and well wishes!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dear Lea, that is such good news! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
    All of the best wishes for you! God bless you!
    Judith

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am so excited for you! Sending my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  24. That's amazing news! I'm so happy for you! I prayed for you a lot since I heard about Ellie and I'll continue praying for you two :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am Very Happy for you and your husband. Enjoy!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Congratulations, Lea, so happy for you and your hubby!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Congratulations, Lea. My heart is filled with joy for you and your husband. My husband and I lost twins between our first and last child. It was difficult, but God heals hearts so that we are able to bear the loss. Praying for you as you all await this precious gift.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Huge congratulations to you and your husband! I'll be keeping you in thought and prayer!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am so happy for you !! Congrats!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sorry this congrats is very late but im thrilled about this new life growing inside you! Funny your good news comes at a time when i just found out my childfriend who lost her twins at 5 months is also expecting. God is wonderful and I pray He is close to you throughout your pregnancy and when this little one arrives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SO HAPPY for you and you Family!! I KNOW Ellie will be watching over you and her New Sibling FOREVER!! Wishing you ALL the BEST and just know my THOUGHTS and PRAYERS will be with you!! You'll be holding that Sweet New Bundle SOON!! =) HUGE HUGS!! <3 <3 <3

      Delete
  31. so happy for you and your husband

    ReplyDelete
  32. So So happy for you! Beautifully written too!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I stopped by a very long time Lea and I am SO SO SO SO happy for you! I will pray for you, congratulations!! many many congratulations!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Comments warm my heart. Thank you! ♥