Tuesday, January 12, 2016
I have officially lived without Ellie for longer than I had with her.
I was really indifferent, perhaps even hesitant for 2016. I usually love New Years Eve, but this year... this year it just wasn't my thing. Partly because leaving 2015 felt a bit like leaving Ellie behind too. And partly because of the unknown. I don't know what will transpire this year and after the doozy that was 2015...fear about the future can bring me to my knees sometimes.
When I look back on 2015, I can honestly say it was the worst year of my life. It started with so much hope & so much joy, but then it all came crashing down around us. I've hurt in this life, but never like this before. Never so deeply, and never so raw. In all my life, I've never been so broken.
And in all my life...I've never been so honest. I've never been very forthcoming with my feelings, until they were just too much to keep in. This honesty has been most prevalent in my relationship with God. I have gotten to the point where I can lay it all out there and say, "Here I am, Lord. Do with this mess what you think best."
2015 was pretty awful. But it was pretty beautiful too. I was graced with the presence of my precious daughter for 25 weeks & 3 days. I got less than half a year with her, but gained a lifetime of love for her. I will miss her every single second of every single day for the rest of my life. I sometimes think about the day that will be my time to go home to Heaven. About how after I bow before my precious Jesus in worship, I will look Him face to face and ask Him where she is. I will see her, and she will know me, and there will be no more tears because we will be reunited and living with our beautiful Creator forever.
What a day that will be, my friends.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." ~Jesus (John 16:33)