I KNOW what the Bible says about fear. I KNOW that God doesn't want me to fear anything but Him. I KNOW that it isn't Christlike to fear. My brain gets it. But try telling that to my wounded heart.
Since that stormy night when we lost Ellie, I've become fearful of my own mortality. Of Josh's. Of my family's. I check my dogs when they are asleep to make sure they are breathing.
I'm fearful at the thought of it happening again. That I will only ever be part of the 1 in 4 club. That my only experiences with pregnancy will be death.
And I am fearful to ask God for anything in my prayers. Especially a miracle.
I've always tried to make sure my prayers aren't self-obsessed. That they are based in gratitude and praise for God. That I come humbly when I am in need of forgiveness. That I share my heart honestly with the God that already knows what's weighing on me.
But I don't ask for much. If I do, it is typically for other people.
Then we got the news that everything about Ellie's life was uncertain, and all I wanted was for her to be okay. I prayed, and pleaded, and cried, and flat out begged for her to be healed. But it didn't happen...not in the way that I wanted.
One of the very few times I've prayed selfishly, and the answer broke my heart.
I think a lot of my fear stems from the fact that I am having a really hard time trusting in Him after all of this. I believe that He is good, He is perfect and that He has a plan for me. But my heart is having a hard trusting in that. My mind & my heart can't seem to get on the same page.
I am so sick of being fearful. I want to be faithful.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You."
Lord, let this be the prayer on my lips when fear creeps up on me & my trust in you is failing.