8 weeks, 2 days


It's been awhile, hasn't it?  Part of that is due to travel.  We went to Colorado, were home for a couple days, then went to Montana for almost a week.  We spent time with my family in Montana, and went to the Griz vs. NDSU game {which the Griz won, by the way.  Yay!!!!}.  Getting to spend time with them was definitely healing for me.

The other part is that I haven't had a lot to say.  I haven't written much lately.  I've been a bit stuck in the anger I feel.  Not the rage filled, lashing out, & confrontational anger that most people think of.  This is the anger that just plain hurts.  The anger that you feel because your heart is shattered in a million pieces.  The anger that sometimes you just need to hide from for a bit...and that is where I was.  Hiding.

I did start writing again yesterday, and I wanted to share it with you.

Monday - 9.7.15
Today I put together Arabella's photo album.  The bookmaker that I use for my photography business was so amazing, and she made three matching albums...one for me, one for my mom and one for Josh's mom.  They are utterly exquisite.  I've had them for over a month now, but I just haven't been able to put it together.

188.  That is how many photos I have of Arabella Grace.  My album fits 50, so I had to go thru them & pick the ones I wanted in the album.  Tears began to fall as I adhered a treasured photo to each page.

The weight that these are the only photos I will ever have of my daughter just came crashing down.  I'm a photographer.  I planned on taking thousands upon thousands of photos of her.  She was supposed to grow up with a camera in her face.  But instead, all I will ever have is 188 photos of my precious little girl.  188.

I curled up and sobbed after I added the last photo into the book.  It brought me back to the finality I felt when Josh brought her ashes home.  I will never take another photo of my sweet Ellie.

But I will treasure the 188 photos I do have.

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  -Matthew 6:20-21

One of my treasures in heaven is my baby girl.  I shed tears for her here on earth because I miss her so much every single day.

But I take comfort that when I get to heaven she will know me.  She will know of my love for her.  And we will be reunited forever, rejoicing in the presence of Jesus.

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Recently I've felt the need to just read about Jesus, and his ministry here on earth.  So, I'm slowly reading through all the gospels.  I'm realizing that if you will just pick up your Bible and use it...it will give you what you need.  Those verses were just what my heart needed, and I didn't have to fervently search for them.  They were right there on the page that I flipped to.  God is amazing, my friends.  

Comments

  1. I love that you are reading through the gospels during this time. Continued prayers for you!

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  2. Still praying for you, your husband, and the grandparents. Wondered how you've been doing.

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  3. Allow yourself to just feel what you feel, but understand that you and your husband may not feel the same things in the same way, nor for the same amount of time. Do not then allow that anger to become focused on your mate for being insensitive; remember that feelings are not always rational. Talk to each other about how you feel, but do not expect the other to support you, nor you him, at this time; it is all you both can do to support yourselves individually. That is the reason counseling and/or bereavement group therapy works well. Compassionatefriends.com is very good. God Bless you and keep you.

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  4. So very sorry to hear of your loss. May God be with you and give you comfort and strength. It's always so hard to understand God's plans for us and our loved ones, but He is with us always, leading and guiding us. Sending thoughts and prayers....

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