I didn't write as much this week. What I wrote about is something that I have really been wrestling with ever since Arabella passed. I've agonized over it, dismissed it, been angry about it, prayed about it & am coming to terms with it (kind-of). It is a hard, but very beautiful process at the same time. Honestly, this is a very vulnerable piece of my heart that I am sharing with you, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that or not. But I'm going to, just in case it might be something that someone out there sometime might need to hear.
Wednesday - 8.5.15
I shared something with my cousin this week that I have grappled with since Ellie died. I wanted God to bend to my will when it came to Ellie. I was flat out begging Him with a list of things I wanted him to do.
"Lord, fix her kidneys so she can create fluid."
"Lord, repair her heart."
"Lord, get her the nutrients she needs so she will grow."
"Lord, PLEASE make her grow & just heal her."
And I absolutely believed He could do it. I still do. But I see now that very rarely in the thousands of prayers I said over Ellie did I ever mention His will. And if I did...I can be honest and say that I doubt I meant it. I wanted my will done. I wanted Ellie's miracle to be complete and utter healing so I could keep her.
In Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You", she weaves the story of Lazarus into the story of Audrey Caroline (the daughter she lost). She wrote about how Lazarus's sisters sent word to Jesus with the news. And it has been on my heart ever since reading it.
John 11: 1,3 - Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."
Lord, the one you love is sick.
Seven simple words.
You know...it's okay that I shared my heart's desire with the Lord. I absolutely believe that. It would have been much much worse if I had just quit talking to Him....if I had stopped praying in those final 33 days. But I think I forgot a couple things. One, that He already knew what I wanted. And two, that we don't always get everything exactly the way we want it.
I wanted a miracle for Ellie, but I wanted it my way. God is showing me that Ellie did get a miracle. She only ever knew love...from me, from Josh, from our families and from the hundreds of people across this nation who prayed for her. And when she opened her eyes for the first time, she saw the face of Jesus. She still only knows love.
One of the meanings of Arabella is "answered prayer". I'm beginning to see that Ellie was my miracle too. Deep down inside, I've always had a fear that I wouldn't be able to love my child in the way they needed. That I wouldn't be the mom that they needed me to be.
I saw Ellie's heartbeat 19 days after taking a pregnancy test. It was just me, Ellie and the ultrasound technician. Wide eyed with the biggest smile on my face...I fiercely fell in love with that baby girl. I became a mom in that instant. I would do anything to keep her safe. To make her feel loved and cherished and wanted. I hope she felt that.
Ellie was my answer to prayer. She made me a mom. I didn't get to keep her, but she made me a mom. She made me realize that I could love someone with every inch of my being, every part of my heart & without any reservations. I flat out loved her for 25 weeks and 3 days. And that love will stay the same for the rest of my life.
Lord, the one you love was sick.
But now she isn't.
She is healed.
She dances & rejoices in your presence.
And she is loved.
It's all she's ever known.
Angie wrote in her book, "It is easy to be a believer when He gives you a miracle."
I did get a miracle.
Her name is Arabella Grace.
She resides in Heaven.
I miss her everyday.
And I believe.
I believe that because of Jesus, we will be reunited one day.
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"
Until then, my sweet girl...I will carry you in my heart.